Ruin
by pennumbra
Summary: Ed claimed that he didn't know how family or children worked well enough to be able to deal with either. That was a blatant lie. He had always just strived for something that was so obviously out of his grasp. And then he'd ruin it. [Brotherhood ending AU, rating for language]


_ah yes that feeling of breaking your own heart as you write. i missed that._

_alright if you need more of a warning than that then i'll just say this is fairly tragic stuff._

_i'm 100% new to writing fanfic here in the fma fandom but i've written a long time and decided (after reading loads of fma fanfics) that i wanted to contribute! and of course i contribute by writing sad fic._

_it's an au from the happy ending that fma:b had because i'm such a terrible person and i hate happy endings. hah no, i love the ending of brotherhood (so much i sometimes cry from joy) but this came to me and i couldn't stop ok. blame me entirely._

_i'd also like to mention that this was inspired from gratuitous amounts of happy Elric family fanfics and a very sad sounding playlist i found on 8tracks. if you want me to point you to either just ask!_

_disclaimer: hahahaHAHAH...[muffled sobbing]_

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Dealing with children had never been a particular forté of Edward Elric's. He had always wondered why it was that way though. At first he believed it was that he wasn't sure what to do with the little creatures (what did a childhood even look like? Ed didn't even know where to begin) but after being called "big brother" and chased around the yard by a massive white dog he decided that wasn't it.

He recalled playing outside for hours on end when he was supposed to be researching in Shou Tucker's library. Nina's smile and little giggle always managed to drag him away from his books and reading, even if he didn't outright admit it to anyone. He'd complain about not getting anything done and he'd complain that Al was just easily distracted. That was never true.

It wasn't just Alphonse who liked to play with the little girl. Edward also found a piece of him loving the time he spent with his little brother, the sunshiney girl and her large companion. It was as though he spent some time acting like he was supposed to at his age. He felt so much more carefree. He'd forget about things that were nagging on his mind and focus on the girl who needed someone to play with.

Unfortunately that passed in a flash. Ed didn't like thinking about Nina and her dog anymore (nightmares of a morphed dog and girl came to mind. The crazed look in Shou's eyes as he said "we're the same").

Edward then pondered whether it was just that he had never seen a truly happy family (after all, his family crumbled fairly quickly, didn't it?). But then there were the Hughes' and he decided that wasn't it either.

Maes and Gracia were the best parents Ed had ever seen. And despite the fact that Maes seemed a little _too_ proud of his family and was a little _too_ prepared to convince everyone that his little girl and wife were angels on earth (sometimes it rubbed Ed the wrong way that Maes shoved his perfect life into everyone's faces) but he still thought the guy was a great dad.

Maes had that fatherly aspect to him that Al adored and sometimes clung to. And if Ed was perfectly honest he'd say he loved that aspect, too. It spread to everyone Maes came into contact with. It was almost infectious and it made everyone smile (Ed realised that Maes was what a father was _supposed_ to be like).

And then there was Gracia. Sweet, kind, loving Gracia. Al had mentioned quietly when they were out ear shot to Ed that "Gracia reminds me of mom sometimes" and Ed couldn't help but agree.

Elicia was a lovely girl. Al loved playing with her just as much as he loved playing with Nina. And while Elicia loved to spend time with Al, she loved spending time with her dad more. Ed saw that every time they came over to the Hughes' house. She would scream "Daddy!" at the top of her lungs and crash into his arms. Maes would shower her with love and kisses and rub his stubbly chin against her face.

Ed found himself standing on the doorstep of the Hughes' house when they finally found out what had happened only to hear some gentle sobbing coming from within and a little girl's voice asking "Mommy? I miss Daddy too." Ed left quickly, a concerned and confused Alphonse trailing in his wake.

No, Ed discovered pretty quickly it wasn't that he didn't understand families or children. It was that he wrecked them. He knew this perfectly well after tearing his brother from his body and leaving him in a hulking mass of unfeeling armor for five years. He knew this after Nina had been transformed into a confused hurting chimera and then when she lay killed with her head exploded. He knew this after Maes was killed doing something Ed had asked him to and leaving a family behind, longing for him to be back.

He knew it as sat in an uncomfortable chair - elbows on knees, head in hands - in the waiting room of a hospital hearing that his wife, _Winry_, was dead.

"She died in childbirth," the doctor was saying but he wasn't picking up the information. It just wasn't reaching his brain. "There were some complications..."

_She can't be dead_, he thought, stunned. _This is all just some sick joke she's making. Revenge for me not taking care of my automail or not getting those chocolate popsicles she wanted. Fuck, why didn't I get those damn popsicles?_

There was a hand on his shoulder and he knew it was Al. He was talking to the doctor. His hand was shaking.

He had blown up earlier. They had been waiting for news from the doctors and all they had gotten was that Winry had died. Ed instantly thought it was ridiculous. People can't just _die_ like that in labour. And so, he had preceded to yell at the doctors that "they were sick bastards if they thought that shitting on a guy like this was funny." But after Al and Pinako had calmed him down he realised that doctors weren't sick fucks. If anything they'd never go _this_ far.

"Edward," a voice said. Ed only picked up the feminine tone to it and his head snapped up.

His eyes did not meet those familiar blue irises. Instead he was face-to-face with Pinako and he wondered how he ever thought the old hag sounded like Winry (she had such a beautiful voice).

"You were asked if you wanted to see your daughter."

His mouth dropped open. _Daughter?_ And then it clicked. _She died in childbirth you idiot. The kid is fine, then. The kid. Holy shit, a daughter._

"Yes, a baby girl," the doctor said and Ed realised he must have said that first part out loud.

He looked up and saw the faces around him. None of them looked particularly excited about this bit of news. After all, Winry was dead.

His mind still revolted against that thought.

"Brother, do you want to see her?" Al asked softly. Ed saw tears in his eyes and stains on his cheeks. Ed swallowed.

"Yes," he whispered. "I want to see her."

Getting to his feet was hard. Walking was hard. Everything was hard now that she was gone.

_I didn't even get to say goodbye_, was one of the few thoughts remaining in his head. That and _this is all my fault_.

Pinako and Al were beside him on either side. Pinako was trying to hide her tears, Ed could tell. Her head was straight forward but she was slightly turned away from Ed's view. Alphonse, on the other hand, had clutched a small piece of Ed's shirt and was not even bothering to hide his tears.

_Fuck, this is all my fault._

The door opening snapped Ed out of his thoughts and he stood for a while, his mind in turmoil as he realised that he had a daughter and his wife was dead. He was led into the room but the doctors and Pinako and Al stayed outside the room. He was left alone.

The former Fullmetal Alchemist stared at the little care unit his daughter was sleeping in. She looked so peaceful; so unaware of what was going on. She didn't even know yet that her mother was dead.

He took a few steps forward and peered into the little unit. Ed had always imagined that the first look at his daughter would be different. Winry would be smiling widely at him, holding their kid in her arms and he would have his arms wrapped around her. Their little family. Together.

A choked sob escaped him. Without even thinking he reached his hand in and stroked the little girl's hand, barely even feeling the texture of her skin. He didn't want to wake her and bring her into this world that was so cruel. A world that took away her mother before she was even old enough to understand what a mother was.

But that wasn't completely right. He knew that it was his fault. It would always be his fault. If only he had been a little quicker in getting her to the hospital. Or if he had been more prepared. Then things would have been different. Then this wouldn't have happened.

Tears lined his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry."

He'd just ruined another family.

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_normally i won't write things down here (i prefer to leave the reader with a lasting impression) but i'd just like to let you know that if you want more of this heart breaking au then i'll give it to you (i've got some ideas already forming in my head...) just please let me know what you think!_

_thanks for reading! (i'm sorry)_


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